So I’m thinking bout posting my journal online? does anyone have a comment for that?
Burning a hole through my heart.
We decided where to part.
You pushed me down a wishing well.
Now i know you’re somebody else.
I can’t stand the pain.
you’re making the blood drip down my veins.
I shut my eyes in hopes of a new surprise.
In my heart all there is are crys.
You blame me on this.
Now your all pissed.
You seem to forget.
I know I’m gonna regret.
Don’t remind me.
I don’t want to remember a thing.
You pushed me down a wishing well and I’m still falling.
You used me to make my heart beat only for your sense of enjoyment.
Now it bleeds.
Don’t mind going on your way.
Cause it was cold hearted enough for you to say .
Our chatting is done.
I’m sick of your games.
You think your so cool , but really your lame.
You could blame you, your a bunch of crap.
I’m going to be independent now.
No, I don’t need to show you how.
I’m falling down a black hole river.
I can’t seem to find my way.
I don’t know where I am going, but I guess it doesn’t matter.
I’ve been tired,but lately I can’t find the hours of father time.
My eyes, as they are dripping with bloody tears.
My heart doesn’t listen to how many stitches it already has.
My legs and arms ,as the scabs start to come back.
The words, they’ve already begun.
They have haunted me since day one.
The days they drag on me like a dugger without a joint.
With pain running through my eyes and veins, I can’t really see what seems to matter.
The things I pop into me, their strength runs straight to my bairn.
One by one their colors excite me.
Two by two their thrills start to drill me.
By the time i get to three the scissors start to snip me.
Then I start to count the lines and dashes.
Two arms and two legs with 16 lines and dashes.
One the left leg 9 lines and dashes makeup the word “die”.
So when i’m done looking at the dripping lines.
I grab the rope and to make the letter “o” with a line hanging down from the ceiling.
I step on the stool as I write my goodbye letter.
“ I love you mom and dad. I can’t take the teasing anymore. so i’m pleasing you. I’m just saying good bye. I love you…”
I see you and I’m walking down the hall.
You smiling up at me.
I laugh out loud.
You question why.
Your face says it all.
I don’t need you or
a heartful of bitterness.
It tastes tangy on my tongue.
I don’t need you in my life.
I’d rather stab myself with a knife.
and I know you can’t stand it.
There are no more butterflies.
So these are my ways of saying good bye.
You make me feel like I wanna break way.
I wanna swim away, like a tiny little fish.
Let me go free in the ocean.
Tell me I have enough courage to make this last.
Tell me I’ll be loved till the end of time.
I’m not lost.
I know who I am , just not what I’m born to do.
You sit here and tell me that I’m beautiful.
I don’t see what you see.
But my eyes do not lie to me.
Only my bairn lies.
My heart, it leads me to things.
Then, it throws away all my happiness and leaves me broken down in a alley way.
People think I’m weird.
I was told to be myself growing up.
Different is what im compared to everyone else.
Though no body is the same.
You can’t be the same.
Even if you act the same, dress the same,talk the same or even sound that same, no one can still be all the same even after all that.
It was nice to know that you were there for me , even when you didn’t want to be.
But now knowing that you can’t be there for me is a breaking point.
To know that you can’t even talk to me.. it’s unbearable.
More like heart wrenching.
Why not just tear me to pieces, then to feed me to the dogs around the block.
Promises that you made me.
You left a open gate of my heart.
At Least what’s left of it.
I promise to change all my values next time I see you again and I swear I will never agree with you and all those words you said.
I’m sorry but I can only see this as a breakthrough.
I’m sorry for the person I became and I’m ready to ignore all the pain.
But each moment I see you.
The tears well up in my eyes.
Then I’m standing there, ready to cry.
Tomorrow will always be more forgotten.
The yesterday will always be remembered.
So on that Wednesday night, when I’m sitting there all alone.
I will remember you. In the back of my mind.
I don’t want to.
Don’t know how to.
I’m trying so hard to push away my feelings for you,but somehow they keep tumbling back.
Whenever they come back,I shut my eyes.
Shut my eyes of fear of what I might be seeing, whatever it is , it will remind me of you.
You and all your bitterness,tangy on my tongue.
But even with my eyes shut, my thoughts pass through my bairn,nose and ears,now out there.
All over the place.
So tangled, like headphones in my pocket.
So messy like a five year old scribbles.
Just random different color scribbles.
To us they make no sense, but to them it could be a tree,a train,a butterfly.
Maybe that’s just how everyone thinks.
So these are my ways of saying good bye.
Some try to write me.
Others try to play me.
Some just can’t see me enough to notice I’m even there before they sit on me.
My brain doesn’t listen to me.
It only speaks to me.
Tells me things I don’t wanna hear.
Everyday is a long day.
It all leads to pain.
Nothing but pain and misery.
Misery and pain.
The two words , they are twin together like the tix candy.
Then the night I will say a means.
Find my peace and harmony.
That’s the only place I need to be me.
Resting with you baby is what I want.
None of it is insane.
Say “I love you” hold me in your arms. Bring me back to holing hands in the sunshine. When we kissed in the pouring rain. When you pushed me on the swings. When you would tell me how beautiful I was in the tree house. When we had family dinners on Sunday and you would playfully play footsie under the table with me. You call me your princess and spin me around in circles in the middle of the mall. We went to almost every store sometimes more then once. You sat there for 2 hours if not more. Sat there and waited as I tried on dresses. There was at lest a dozen of girls but I’m the only one you kept your eye on the whole time. Then read me little kid stories in the middle of the Barns and Noble. And till this day you still have the painting I made you. Too bad the long distance had to break us apart when I was forced to move so many miles away,but its a happy ending not a sad one.